What If It’s Not Selfish? A Well-Being Reframe

The other day, I was catching up with a good friend. She told me she hasn’t been feeling like herself lately. A bit uninspired, low on energy. Just feeling a little off.

And she said she wants to make some changes. She'd like to focus more on her well-being, reflect a bit, and find her way back to feeling like herself again.

Then she said, “I’m just going to be selfish for a while.”

This made me pause. And then I said, I don’t think that’s selfish. I love your intention of focusing on your joy, well-being, and energy. This is not something you have to feel guilty for. 

Taking care of yourself is not selfish. I actually think it’s the opposite.

But unfortunately, a lot of us feel like it is. This is a belief I see again and again in my work. And I've been there too.

I think a lot of us have been conditioned to think that way. Especially as women, we’re often taught to put others first. To always be available and giving to our family, friends, and our work.

And somewhere along the way, taking care of ourselves can start to feel like we’re doing something wrong. And then we feel guilty.

I want to acknowledge that it's a beautiful thing to give and care for others. To support and show up for the people in our lives and at work. But it shouldn't come at the expense of our own well-being. If it does, it's not really sustainable for anyone. 

Because here's the thing: when we’re well, we show up differently. We’re more patient, more present, more creative, and more generous. (I could talk for hours about the research here, but let's save that for another time.) 

In other words, caring for our well-being doesn’t just benefit us. It affects everyone around us. So how can it be selfish?

At the same time, I don't think we need to justify taking care of ourselves by what it gives to others. Nurturing well-being is worthwhile in itself. 

But in my experience, being aware of the positive ripple effects of well-being can help us give ourselves permission to practice self-care. And that's why I wanted to send you this reminder today. 

And honestly, this is something I have to remind myself of too. Just a few days ago, I was at home with my baby, and he had a day of cluster feeding. After having fed him for what felt like the hundredth time that day, he started to signal that he was hungry again. 

But he wasn't the only one feeling hungry, because I was actually starving. I decided to put him in his rocking chair for a few minutes. I talked to him and gently bounced him while I ate a peaceful meal. I even had a cup of tea.

But this meant delaying feeding him a little, and at first I felt guilty for that. At the same time, I knew I really needed to eat. I needed that meal to have the energy to be present with him and to be patient and calm.

So I reminded myself: Taking care of me is also taking care of him. This is something I come back to again and again. Giving ourselves permission to take our well-being is an ongoing practice.

And if you’ve ever felt guilty for resting, slowing down, or setting a boundary, you’re not alone in that.

Of course, like most things, it’s a balance. There's a difference between taking care of yourself and avoiding things that matter. But most of us are not overdoing self-care. We’re more likely to ignore our needs, push through, and call that normal.

So here’s a small invitation for you this week: Is there something in your life you’ve labeled as selfish that might actually be supportive for both you and the people around you.

What do you think? I’d love to hear what you discover! My email inbox and Instagram DMs are open, as always.

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